What now?


I hate you, what now? What level should this game take us on?

I am so fucking proud of myself, or what I have done so far and what I have become. I fucking hate you as you wish, my dear sir. For every time you break my small sparkles of hope, for that I hate you.

I hate the way you smile, and how your hands look. I hate your haircut and the way you arrange it to look elegant.

I hate your perfume and your cigarettes.

I hate the way you walk and how you talk. I hate most of all your laugh and your jokes.

And what I hate the most is how I don’t hate you at all. Not even a bit.

Today something died. My hope, my dreams, the incarcation of my dreams -you is dead. The guy I used to know and like, adore wasn’t like that. That guy would take me of the road to say a good word to me and to make my day better. That guy would heal me in every possible way he could. That guy would ask me how I feel and what’s on my mind today. He would like me even when I was ugly and my clothes were cheap and odd. That guy would have given me a chance when I was out of his game. That guy… That guy was am amazing guy and he totally changed my life, me in all possible way. He changed my way of thinking and made me stronger. What hurts is that he won’t talk to me like I am disgusting or something or he’s ashamed to talk to me. Something odd is going on here and I can’t stop thinking to worst motivation ever. I hate that he will not be there, nor here or where I will go to answer “hi” and ask me how I feel. I hate the fact I am leaving a life to start other one and he’s not in none of my lifes. I hate myself for not hating him, for remembering his smile, his small black eyes in my dreams. I had a feeling. I dreamed I talked to him, he would come to me on a bench in parc. I have such feelings all the time. All my dreams and hopes were about him. How I would get an advice for him once more before I actually go there on my own. But it is nothing like that. I’m standing here, on my own, with lots of people appreciating me and wanting to be with me, with my family supporting me and I’m alone. Alone in the dark with all my fears uncovered.

And he is there. Here. So close and yet so far.

So beautifull and yet so cold.

He is dead. The guy who made me stronger is dead and gone. I loved an illusion. He isn’t that good as I used to remember. I was chasing a dream until today. Everything ends today. It’s what he wants. Since I don’t deserve even a word, HE is dead for me. I will remember him as my light in the day risen. He helpt me in so many ways he can’t even imagine. All I’ve learnt and all I became, I always thank him for all knowledge. He was the man to awake me to reality and to make me feel the pulse of market, business, life in general.

I chased a dream so many months. I was being an idiot and he is a bigger idiot thanme since he hates me for no reason. I did nothing wrong. I haven’t did anything wrong to him. It’s my fearfull personality and my social anxiety which he hated about me. That’s why he left. I had so much time and I thought and thought about all of it until I came to this conclusion: he hated my flaws even if he forgot to see my strengths. He cut me off the list due to my flaws. We do that all the time,but it’s always hard to see how you can’t reach to other people’s standards. Disappointing and sad. Depressing.

I hated myself today. Down the hall, 4 people around me, waiting to doctor’s door. Tears were coming up into my eyes. I tried to look other way so they can’t see me. I felt like a sentimental, like a stupid woman inlove. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

When I got there I felt like crying all the time. Even when my doctor was trying to make me laugh. I felt like I will burst into tears in no moment and I wanted to leave as soon as possible of there.

In fiecare zi ma gandesc cum sa trec peste. A trecut o gramada de timp si doare de fiecare data ca la inceput. Primele zile fara el. De fiecare data cand il vad, la fel de frumos cum il stiam, mi se inmoaie picioarele. Sper, sincer, sa nu ma intalnesc cu el acolo. O sa lesin daca sunt cu colegii/colegele. O sa-mi dea ziua peste cap. Ma doare, frate. Singurul la care am tinut de mi-as fi vandut sufletul pentru el e indiferent. “Ramanem prieteni oricum. Daca mai vrei…Vorbim…” Totul a fost o minciuna de la inceputul chestiei pe care am avut-o. Mi-a promis multe si nu a facut nimic. Eu ii ziceam ca ma schimb, dar nu vedea nimci pentru ca nu ii aratam. In fata lui nu puteam fi eu. Eram iar timida, tematoare. Era autoritar si ma controla. Intr-un fel ma anula. Nu ziceam glume in fata lui si nici el nu ma facea sa rad. Era mereu serios. Asa-mi plac mie, sa fie seriosi. Ma duceam acasa cu forte noi si am invatat in timp tot ce mi-a zis. Mi-am perfectionat engleza, am invatat sa scriu mai bine, citesc in engleza pe telefon acum, am o gramada de experienta ca freelancer, mi-am gasit un post super si totul o sa se schimbe in curand.

Am bani si incerc sa ajut pe toti in jurul meu. Prefer sa imi folosesc timpul sa fac bani si apoi sa fac bucurii unuia si altuia. Totusi ma consider zgarcita. In capul meu le-as da mult mai mult si cand vad ca le dau jumate din cat era in capul meu, consider ca nu pot sa renunt la ideea de a ma pune pe mine pe primul loc. In viitor o sa ajut si oameni straini, asta sper sa pot sa fac. Sa am destui bani si sa fiu la fel de nefericita ca azi  sa arunc cu banii in oameni care au nevoie si zambetul lor de bucurie sa ma bucure si pe mine un pic. Pot sa imi vand si casa si pamantul, karma nu vrea sa imi ofere niciun strop de bucurie. Am multumire pe plan profesional, dar ma simt goala. Atat de goala pe dinauntru, pustiita. Incerc sa o iau de la cap, sa ma pierd in ochi straini, verzi, pistruiati, bruneti, slabi, dar nu reusesc. Imaginea si amintirile cu el ma obsedeaza si nu reusesc sa imi reprim cuvintele: “Nu e ca…EL!” Cand vad diferentele totul ma face sa cred ca nupot trece peste x lucru si plec. Mai bine singura. Imi fac rau singura. Probabil el, el ala bun, nu asta de acum, ar vrea sa fiu fericita. Sa fiu cu cineva sa ma iubeasca, dar eu am multe exigente. Pun standarde imposibile. Sa fie ca el si un pic mai bun si asta ma face sa resping pana plec acasa singura.

Jumate de oras m-a vazut la cum eram imbracata si el nu m-a vazut…Doare ca…dracu.

Nu am nevoie de atentia, dorinta, linsul de buze si libidosenia unor idioti care nu au pus mana pe o femeie in viata lor, aveam nevoie doar de un “Buna” de la el. Sa stiu ca inca ma stie, ma recunoaste, ca nu e indiferent la mine si aparitia mea. E nasol…

Plec acolo si in afara de doi fosti, nu cunosc mai pe nimeni. Nimeni care sa-mi aline sufletul cu o vorba buna cand ma nevoie. Ma alin cu bandaje mult prea mici. Fac conversatie cu tipi cu care nu am nimic in comun. Ma calca pe nervi constant si ori de cate ori s-ar intoarce la mine tot cred ca il pot schimba si accept provocarea iar. Ca-s masochista si imi place sa-mi fac rau singura. Pentru ca el nu e. El care ar fi trebuit sa fie. El pe care il doresc pana la cer.

Daca voi ajunge vreodata unde imi doresc, JUR si eu nu jur niciodata, ca daca vine la mine, daca ma cauta o sa-i zic privindu-l in ochi ca nu il cunosc. Oricare EL ar fi. Oricare EL m-ar fi parasit cand eram mica, cand eram la pamant, cand credea el ca nu o sa ajung niciodata nicaieri. Ura si durerea ma fac sa ma ambitionez si sa merg mai departe cu o forta inimaginabila. Cand sunt indragostita si flower power, totul e roz si eu sunt alba, atunci sunt praf. Nu pot sa mai lucrez, sa invat, sunt bleaga, dar cand am ambitie si fac ceva la ambitie, nimic nu ma poate opri. Prefer acum sa ma axez pe ce am de facut pe partea profesionala. O sa ajung sus in curand si o sa privesc zambind in coltul gurii pe toti cei de jos care au zis ca-s proasta si ca nu pot, nu ma descurc eu singura. Ei bine, ma descurc. M-am descurcat de doua ori pana acum, o sa ma descurc multe luni in continuare.

Orice durere e un sut pentru un nou inceput. Poate cineva imi da semnale disperate sa mi-l scot din cap si sa merg mai departe. E timpul!

Dupa ce am udat doua perne cu plans de idioata ranita in orgoliu, am adormit si am dormit asa bine…

Hai ca iar termin bateria laptopului. Ma bag la work!

“Esti rece, frate. Voiam sa topesc ice cub-ul si nu puteam.”

“Ti-am zis ca am zid de aparare.”

The queen of peace

Always does her best to please…

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